For those concerned over my whereabouts don't worry any longer! I'm back!

So you're probably wondering where the bloody hell was I? First I will quickly update my devoted followers that I successfully hunted down the diary bandit and retrieved my diary utterly relieved that it wasn't damaged and that the guy who nabbed it hadn't released any of the entries like he threatened he would.

I'm not that savvy when it comes to the internet but I'm pretty sure that high pitched, overweight man-boy disguising candy floss as hair that stole my precious diary was none other than...wait for it...Perez Hilton. I was going to eat him because all I had to drink that day was a few sips of last week's tea but his squealing was too much to bare and honestly...he smelled like an old woman's douche. Oh the nightmares that followed...ECK!

After all that drama happened I decided what I really needed was a vacation. I took my globe and spun it, closing my eyes, and dragging my finger across its surface till it stopped. After a few tries and ending up in the pacific ocean...I finally landed on Las Vegas, Nevada. So I packed my bags and jetted off for a few weeks of hookers, blackjack, and adventure.

When I first arrived it didn't really go so well. After I had checked into my hotel and received a lovely massage by a very attractive masseuse who slipped me her number I left my room to fetch some ice only to find out that I had locked myself out and was stuck standing in the hall with nothing but a towel...totally exposed. :'(

While I was trying to find something more decent to wear--scouring the halls all sneaky like of course--I came to a room that had it's door slightly cracked open, at first I was going to move on but I saw a pair of pants in the corner of my eye (presumably in my size) draped across a chair that was tipped over. Ignoring my better judgment I scurried into the room to quickly put on the pants thinking I could get dressed and skedaddle before anyone noticed but I unfortunately wasn't that lucky...

Right before I could pull up the zipper a man decked out in gothic drab who had a really geeky voice albeit he was trying to force his voice to be as deep and intimidating as possible--but failing miserably--demanded that I give him back his pants, startled I fumbled a bit and toppled over. Ouchies.

After the ruckus I had caused a tall and seemingly anorexic woman with the most god awful American accent that grazed against my delicate ears like fingernails on a chalkboard asked what was the matter...then she looked me over trying to strike a noble I'm better than you pose though it looked more like all she wanted to do was get in my pants and molest my manbits. I gave a small yelp at her reaction knowing that I couldn't use my vampiric powers to snap their necks and frolic out of their room to go play a much deserved game of slots because meddling with humans always ends badly and I was on vacation damn it!

Turns out the man and woman I had snuck up on were none other than another pair of internet celebrities who some of you might recognize on DeviantART as Don Henrie (weareminion) and Sarah Lester (Liart66).

I LOL'D so hard my insides crippled me where I stood. They just stood there however, horribly confused. I dumped out a dime store chalice they had on the table half filled with blood and offered to order them a pizza instead but the anorexic woman protested against it.

After humoring the couple who were convinced they were actual vampires I decided that it was time to move on. I hypnotized the two in order to make them forget meeting me which was surprisingly much easier than expected--most humans require more glamouring than these two--I pranced off into the night where I then got laid by several women who fawned over my dashing good looks, gambled away a few thousand pounds, and woke up with a slight hangover and a henna tattoo I didn't remember getting...

But other than that my vacation was super! I'm now back in England but have moved to Bath. London is great but it's time to have a more relaxed lifestyle...at least for a few more decades then I'll consider moving back.

Yours Truly,
Sebastian Ballantine